🚨 Trump Announces Tariffs on Disneyland: “The American People Deserve Better Than $219 Lightsabers”

Soeren Kamper Disney

WASHINGTON D.C. — In a fiery statement from the Rose Garden this morning, President Donald J. Trump officially announced the United States will be imposing full economic tariffs on Disneyland, declaring the California-based theme park “a rogue nation operating inside our great American homeland.”

Trump, now serving his second term in office, accused Disneyland of engaging in predatory trade practices, currency manipulation, and what he called “woke ideological warfare.” The new tariffs are being described by White House officials as a “necessary step to protect American families from economic exploitation and cultural collapse.”

💬 “They’ve Built a Borderless, Woke Disneyland — And We’re Paying for It”

“They say it’s a theme park,” Trump said, speaking to press while standing next to a scale model of Disneyland with tiny red warning flags posted across Galaxy’s Edge. “But let me tell you, folks — it’s not just a theme park. It’s a fully functioning, woke country operating without any real oversight. No borders between lands. Fake money. And $219 lightsabers. It’s a disaster.”

The president went on to explain that Disneyland has “intentionally weakened its internal economy” to draw in unsuspecting American citizens and bleed them dry via churro stands, popcorn carts, and “plastic swords that light up and break in three days.”

Trump blasted what he called the “Disney Dollar”—the long-retired in-park currency once accepted inside Disneyland—as “artificially devalued” and "a direct threat to American financial sovereignty."

💵 The Disney Dollar Crisis

Trump blasted what he called the “Disney Dollar”—the long-retired in-park currency once accepted inside Disneyland—as “artificially devalued” and “a direct threat to American financial sovereignty.”

“They’ve got their own money. It’s not even real! It’s a picture of Goofy with a hat,” he said, holding up an old $10 Disney Dollar. “Try paying rent with this. You can’t. It’s Monopoly money. And yet, they expect Americans to trade real dollars for this garbage inside their fake country? Not on my watch.”

He added, “This is worse than China. China never sold me a $12 pretzel and told me to feel magical about it.”

🧱 Border Security Inside Disneyland?

As part of the tariff rollout, Trump is also calling on Disneyland to “enforce clear borders between their lands.”

“Fantasyland is leaking into Tomorrowland. Frontierland is being overrun. They’re not sending their best,” Trump claimed. “And then you’ve got Galaxy’s Edge — a total mess. Jedi, droids, blue milk dealers, all just crossing from one land to the next. It’s lawless.”

White House insiders say the president is strongly considering a theme park border enforcement initiative, demanding that Disneyland construct “clear, visible, and patrolled boundaries” between park sections to “protect the values of Main Street, U.S.A.”

⚠️ National Security Risk: “They’re Making the Kids Gay”

In the most controversial part of the press conference, Trump suggested that Disneyland’s failure to secure its borders has allowed “radical woke ideology” to spread unchecked.

“They’re turning our children into space feminists with these Jedi trainings. I’ve seen the shows — they’re trying to confuse the kids. Force this, force that — next thing you know, the American child wants to be a droid with pronouns.”

Trump declared that the tariffs are a step toward forcing Disneyland to “respect traditional values, economic fairness, and patriotic churro pricing.”

🔧 The Tariffs in Detail

According to documents released by the Department of Theme Park Accountability (a new task force formed this morning), the following items will face immediate import tariffs:

Guests attempting to bring these items across state lines may be subject to questioning by newly appointed “Churro Enforcement Agents.”

In what could go down as one of the most unexpected moments of his presidency, Trump has officially declared Disneyland “a hostile micro-nation” that must be held accountable through tariffs, regulation, and “the complete demystification of Mickey Mouse’s economic scheme.”

🏛️ Final Thoughts

In what could go down as one of the most unexpected moments of his presidency, Trump has officially declared Disneyland “a hostile micro-nation” that must be held accountable through tariffs, regulation, and “the complete demystification of Mickey Mouse’s economic scheme.”

Whether this policy results in actual changes—or just longer security lines at Space Mountain—remains to be seen.

But one thing is clear: the battle for America’s soul is apparently being fought on the streets of Toontown.

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